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Short lived and lessons learned

Giving back the heart you earned

Who knew it'd be so hard?

Never again will you so fast, so far

What did I lose when I lost you?



Trying to reflect has gotten me nowhere

Atleast I know these walls will never talk

I've stared for hours and it hasn't said a single word

Its as lifeless as I am

Working together with the ceiling and the floor

To allow no refuge, no solace for me in this room



Listen to me as I speak so silently

Read my body language as I lay lifelessly

But wait, the story is in my eyes

Look closely before the life drains out

And the lessons are lost in my mind

The moral of my story is

What did I lose when I lost you?



Trying to reflect has gotten me nowhere

I know now these walls will never talk

Stared at it for hours and it never made a sound

The neverending spinning

Working together with the floor and the ceiling

To allow no thoughts, no sanity in this room



What did I lose when I lost you?

COMMENTS

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Firedrake
12:52 May 27 2009

Aww they beautiful :)

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Fear sets in and takes hold

Grips you tightly and won't let go

Strangling you, constricting your thoughts

You're letting go of everything you want to hold

Forced to turn your back

To leave yourself out in the cold

Where is everyone, where have they gone?

It isn't right here, somethings wrong

Fear is a roadblock in your mind

Twisting and contorting your thoughts

Jabbing and piercing your very soul

Like a needle

The very same needle that could make this all go away

The one that creates the temporary smile, occasionally etched across your face

That temporary smile, the temporary fix

A contemporary lifestyle, that just won't stick

And as the needle breaks the skin

All those lost emotions come rushing in

And as the fear and panic quickly fade

Everything you hold so dear

Is actually pushed further away

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Kryptick
19:42 May 27 2009

This one hits home really hard for me.



Starts out like a punch in the face and kind of leaves you wondering how to fix it...it leaves me contemplative, kind of stinging, and wanting something more. I'm not sure why it has that effect on me.



Awesome word choice and examples, you cut to the point pretty quickly but not too quickly. Very, very good...this is probably one of my favorites.

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For you, beauty is the biggest beast

The fiercest demon to tame

So enamored, controlled by such material things

Stopping at every mirror, false rejoice in ownership of useless toys

So vain, so weak, where will it get you in the end?

You're left alone with your possesions

Vanity is your weakness, your obsession

Hear my words, and drink them in like your finest wine

Slowly, carefully, let it intoxicate your mind

Is this really the way you wanted to live your life?

Lost, alone, surrounded by such hollow thoughts?

Your hearts as empty as your hand, with nobody around to hold it

But you've got so much, everythings alright, its ok

You've got so much, but absolutely nothing inside

So smile at yourself in your black hole of a mirror

And struggle in your sleep, alone, with no one there

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Kryptick
19:39 May 27 2009

Favorite part:

"Hear my words, and drink them in like your finest wine

Slowly, carefully, let it intoxicate your mind"



This is heartfelt and harsh...delicate and grating. Awesome similes & metaphors, and your emotions about this situation ring clear... The point is obvious and difficult to understand if you really try to wrap your mind around it; you can have everything in the world and yet have nothing at all...

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My memories lay within you

Scatter my thoughts like ashes

Across the barren desert that is my mind

My body lays prone, as your body lies alone underground

I'll bury my past along with you

I'll bury it all, for later use



Every rude remark, every judgemental mention of my name

Every lie, everytime you couldn't look at my eyes

Every day, every goddamn time

You've left me somewhere between my past and my future

Straned on the long empty road, stretching

Across the barren desert that is my mind



Sometimes I wish I could take these thoughts

Just to put them away on a shelf

I don't need this anymore, and I don't need shit from anyone else

I'm leaving my memories behind, I'll bury it all inside of you

The only way to get rid of your past, is to get rid of yourself

You're looking in a mirror with no reflection

Its merely a portal to your mind

You're looking at me for affection

You'll need to look beyond my eyes

Our blessing is turning into infection

Gradually eating away at our insides

Now we're faced with mutual rejection

Though we were once so alike



Things change, people change, nothing ever stays the same

Your inconsistency consistently keeps me from taking the blame

I can hear the hatred building, each time you call my name

I can feel the hatred building, slowly pushing me away

I can see the hatred building, when I'm looking at your face

I can smell the hatred buidling, as you're burning every page

I can taste the hatred building, oh god I hate the taste



This mirror has never had a reflection

Look beyond it to catch a glimpse of your future

Look beyond my eyes to see there is nothing behind me

Its all been broken down beneath your lies

Find theres nothing behind me

Things change, people change, nothing ever stays the same

Your inconsistency will consistently keep you from surviving

Your own selfish games

So we're faced with mutual rejection

Forget my name

COMMENTS

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Kryptick
17:00 May 27 2009

OH...MY...GOD...Stephen...YES!!!

The whole fucking concept of this goddamn thing is just MINDBLOWING, holy shit...Middle stanza, is incredible and that ending is just fucking GAHHH, amazing.

Every line in this is amazing all on its own, and each individual thought per line pulls together to create this fucking amazing piece.



Seriously, a heartfelt good job...this is your writing at it's best. Potent, intelligent, introspective, and feeling so strong it's starting to burst at the seams. Incredible.

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Will you remember everything you see

When you wake up and tomorrow's gone

The world is breaking, resembling a broken heart

Will you remember everywhere you've been

When you realize you'll never be there again

This world is forsaken, and everyones dying of broken heart



Everyone seems to dream of broken hearts

Everything always seems to fall apart

Its just the way it is

Thats just the way we live



Grow up loving, never knowing what it means

Never knowing you were doomed right from the start

Grow up wanting to give her your all

Never expecting to be destroyed by a broken heart

But thats just the way it is

And thats just the way we live



We're dreaming of broken hearts

Knowing everything will fall apart

And its just the way it is

Thats just the way we live



Do you remember everything you saw

Knowing now that its all gone

This world is broken, shattered like a broken heart

Do you remember everywhere you've been

Realizing now you'll never go anywhere again

This worlds forsaken, and everyones died of broken hearts

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Kryptick
16:53 May 27 2009

This is hopeless, and sad, but it's good...though it's not my favorite from you.



My favorite part:

"Never expecting to be destroyed by a broken heart

But thats just the way it is "



What I get from this is that we grow up with the faith and innocence of a child...We love, with pure intention, and inevitably, we get ripped up either intentionally by the malicious, cruel-hearted people in this world...or we get stung and eventually broken by repeated rejection. Some variation of pain happens that breaks us, and who actually recovers from a broken heart? It looms over our heads and effects our actions...we become reckless, promiscuous...or closed off, cynical...or terrified, paranoid...and absolutely, undoubtedly desperate.

and it affects everything.

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I need you to look at me, and

I need you to realize

We're going nowhere fast

You need to look in my eyes, and

I need to realize

There's no way this will last



I don't know what I ever expected

Looking back on our polluted past

The constant pain of feeling neglected

Led to this current emotional disaster



You've built me up and broke me down

I go insane when you're here

Its almost as bad as when you're not around

I need you here, so please just stay

I need you here, so just go away



I may never learn my lesson, with you by my side

I may never learn my lesson, as long as you're alive

You are the poison that afflicts my veins

You're the voice in my head that drove me insane

I'll never learn my lesson with your hand in mine

I'll be better off once you're no longer alive

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Kryptick
16:43 May 27 2009

Emotional disaster is no fucking joke...this makes a ton of sense to me because I've definitely been there, and done that.



"I go insane when you're here

Its almost as bad as when you're not around

I need you here, so please just stay

I need you here, so just go away"



My favorite part. I feel like especially the last two lines of that part just lock the entire point into this piece. Sometimes the very thing that has kept you sane, alive, happy, can slowly take over and become the source of your misery...the very thing you're running from.

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I now pronounce you, man and life...ruiner



I didn't give you my heart for you to destroy it

I gave you my love so we could enjoy it

But you've turned your back on everything we had

It shouldn't surprise me, being the only one who tried

Every word you say now, I'll just assume are lies

And everynight, I'll fall asleep instead of staying up to cry



I loved you so much, but now its gone

You hate me so much, I was wrong

I couldn't save us from the fall

Focused so hard on protecting you, I damn near destroyed myself

I constantly saved you

But you never caught me when I fell





Handed to you on a silver platter

A perfect match to the spoon in your mouth at birth

I served up to you, my heart

I wish I could say it hurt

But you've done too much, and I'm too numb



I now denounce you, the title of liferuiner is yours

Here's your trophy in black and white

Set it proudly on your mantle, right beside my heart

Stand back and admire what you've done



Good god my love, what have you done...

COMMENTS

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Kryptick
18:12 May 26 2009

I REALLY like the concept of this piece, and every line individually I LOVE, but as poetry I feel like it might lack something...I think in song form this would probably sound perfect, and this IS fabulous but its lacking flow at least in the first part.



"But you've turned your back on everything we had

It shouldn't surprise me, being the only one who tried"

I feel like there needs to be an added line or a pause to make these two flow together.



"Focused so hard on protecting you, I damn near destroyed myself"

This is essential and I wouldn't change the phrasing for anything, but breaking up the line, or helping it transition better would bring more attention to this line, I feel like this kind of anchors this piece in place, but kind of creates an awkward pause when reading it.



Last 2 stanzas and the ending line are AMAZING. Especially the ending line, that's just fucking fantastic. :)

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You're headed downward fast

Down the darkened road, an uncharted path

You can't see the dead end approaching

Will you survive the crash?



You've always been an accident waiting to happen

Living your life full tilt, out of control, nowhere to go

An inevitable accident waiting to happen

You're bound to be nothing more than chalklines on the asphalt

And its nobody's fault but your own

You chose to be alone



No one to hear your screams

As your headlights flood the trees

No one to hear the crash

Or save you from the aftermath

No one to see your eyes

As you lay there, slowly dying

Mangled amongst the wreckage

The wreckage of your life

COMMENTS

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Kryptick
18:05 May 26 2009

This reminds me of someone I know, and it hurts to read it...but the best literature makes you feel something, and pain is a strong emotion. At the line, "you've always been an accident waiting to happen" it felt like a knife and brought back so many memories and images I've seen...they just kept getting stronger as this piece came to an end.

"Chalklines on the asphalt" was a strong piece of imagery that flashed through my head as an accenting illustration to my own personal experience and memories. To elicit a strong emotional response from me, that speaks something of your writing. Amazing write. :)

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We've created you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders

Built from the ground up, mechanized, programmed for perfection

Constructed with the ability to move boulders

Nothing will stand in the way of you changing the earth

Cleansing the world of its spreading lies

You are the perfect doomsday device



Destruction perfected, devour all life

A demon with angels wings, none will survive

The creator controls who stays and who goes

Build an ark inside the monster

A wave of violence will flood the world

Cleansing the world of its own

Cleansing the world of its spreading lies

This is the perfect doomsday device

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Kryptick
17:59 May 26 2009

This one is kind of heavier to wrap my mind around. It makes me see human nature in a very dark way...Interesting phrasing and word choice, and props for using the word "mechanized", because that just fit into this piece perfectly. No other word could do that line justice.

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On the battlefield, no one can hear your cries

On the battlefield, you'll be surrounded by lies

You better pray you're not alone

When one fell swoop of the blade can send you home

On the battlefield of life



Fighting the battles, facing the demons that are your own

The field is sun lit, lit by the sun

Stand still too long and you'll burn up

Depleted to ash only to be blown away with the wind

So keep pressing forward, keep marching on

There are battles to be lost, and battles to be won

Pray you're not alone, on the battlefield of life



On the battlefield, no one cares if you cry

Everyone looks out for themselves, feeding their egos with lies

Its safe to say, you'll be alone

When the wicked edge of the blade sends you home

On the battlefield

The Battlefield of Life

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Kryptick
17:50 May 26 2009

On this one, your use of repetition isn't as hard hitting as it normally is, and in this case I think that's a good thing. However, you really don't digress from the point despite the subtle repetition. I gotta say, second stanza- amazing imagery. I love that stanza as a whole, and the picture it paints, but this is my favorite part:

"So keep pressing forward, keep marching on

There are battles to be lost, and battles to be won"

That part is just complete perfection, the flow is PERFECT and it hits like a hammer between the eyes...poetically.

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They've brainwashed the chosen, to lead

They've brainwashed the childred, to bleed

For what they believe in

They're mixing the poison with the antidote

We're slowly losing lives

Its a homefront epidemic, they're sent to fight and die

Its a homefront epidemic, and we've turned a blind eye



They've brainwashed the chosen

Given them soldiers to lead, an army to wield

They'vre brainwashed your children

And thrust them headlong onto the battlefield

Fight for what they believe in



They apologize for a wasted life

Truth be told, they're using us to fight their fights

They're mixing the poison with the antidote

We're slowly losing lives

They're mixed the poison with the antidote

Catastrophic effects

We're slowly losing lives

Its a homefront epidemic, we've turned a blind eye

Bring an end to this madness, or just wait till it subsides

We're slowly losing lives

This is a homefront epidemic, its time to decide

COMMENTS

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Kryptick
17:47 May 26 2009

I can practically hear the music in my head for this one, this will make a fucking brutal song. As always, I love the repetition on the points you want to get across, they hit hard on the first stanza and end with the same strength. Excellent, as usual :)

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